I suspect that at most times I could give a reasonably coherent argument is support. It would involve concepts like flowing ‘in the zone’ moments, active relaxation, good exercise and the great outdoors.
Right now is not one of those moments. Currently it hurts to sit down on one side, and rather linked to that, I find I am sitting down on it rather a lot, and often a rate that is some way above comfort. The thing that is infuriating me is that what feels like natural damage avoidance reactions are making things worse. I don’t seem to be able to make a backside turn reliably any more, and that is really really basic stuff. And, when one time in four leads to pain, the concious mind has some trouble overruling the reptilian bit.
Doesn’t really help confidence either of course. Consciously I know I can do this – I’ve been down red runs just fine, and whilst not as good as Kat, I am competent enough. But, when I’m on the hill, what is going through my mind is how it’s going to hurt when I fall, which I know is positively unhelpful. Though I know the psychology of it, beating it is proving hard which is infuriating me even more.
So, my normal argument is replaced by staccatto ‘before the fall’ moments, no relaxation, brusing rather than exercise, and as for the great outdoors – we’ll I’m spending rather too long inspecting it from a range a couple of inches. And I pay for this!
I’ll feel better later – these things pass. Indeed I am already a little more mellow that I was earlier, as I look at the text I sent Sa -‘Had to abandon. Too f*****g useless. I am getting worse, can’t even do a backside turn without crashing down; arse hurt, confidence hammered.’
Postscript the following morning
Yesterday I noted that I was having trouble beating the emotional desire to avoid yet another fall, and as a consequence was having quite a few falls. Turns out I might have missed something more basic. I have hardly any power left in my left upper leg, and some large and fairly technicolour bruises to help explain why. But, since that’s my lead leg, it should be the one taking more weight. So, whilst I was having some psychological challenges, the root may have been a rather more basic mechanical one. Which, possibly perversely, makes me feel better.